In conversation with Kelli Miller, LCSW
In a world where the demands of parenting can feel relentless, maintaining a strong and connected relationship can often take a back seat, especially when raising a child with Special Educational Needs and Disabilities (SEND).
Kelli Miller, LCSW, is a psychotherapist, relationship expert and author based in Los Angeles. With over two decades of experience, she has supported thousands of individuals and couples through some of life’s most challenging chapters. Her practical, compassionate approach to love and mental health has made her a sought-after voice in the media. Her latest book, Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues, explores how couples can rebuild connection in the midst of everyday stress.
In this conversation, Kelli speaks to SEND EDventures about emotional resilience, tiny moments of joy, and what it really means to stay connected when parenting a child with SEND.
Your work supports couples as they navigate some of life’s most emotionally charged challenges. What first drew you to the world of relationships and SEND?
Relationships are complex — and when you’re raising a neurodivergent child, that complexity grows. I was drawn to this work because I saw how few resources and supports there were for families navigating both. We all need help sometimes, and I feel honoured to provide guidance where I can.
Many parents tell us they feel like ships passing in the night, constantly in motion, rarely in sync. What helps couples reconnect amidst the intensity of SEND parenting?
It’s essential to maintain connection, especially when you’re parenting a child with SEND. In my book Love Hacks, I introduce the idea of “quick partner connections” — meaningful moments that don’t require much time or energy. I call it TEASE:
- Traditions – Create rituals just for the two of you, like morning coffee or sharing five things you’re grateful for at the end of the day.
- Efforts – Do something unexpected for your partner, like filling their water glass before bed or washing their car.
- Acknowledge – Validate what’s working. Leave a handwritten note sharing something you love or appreciate about them.
- Silly – Infuse the relationship with fun. Talk in a foreign accent when you walk through the door or wear a silly hat for laughs.
- Erotic – Add a spark. Send a flirty text, or if that’s not your style, share a passionate poem.
These little moments build emotional glue.
Communication is key, but it’s easy to forget that our partners can’t read our minds. We need to say what we need and make space to hear what they need too.
Conflict often arises not just from stress, but from the different ways partners process it. How can couples navigate those emotional mismatches with compassion?
I love this question, and it already reflects a mindset I often encourage: assuming positive intent. When conflict arises, remind yourself that you’re on the same team. Most of the time, our partners aren’t trying to hurt us — they’re doing their best. That shift in perspective can de-escalate tension and build empathy.
What role does communication play when so much of it is consumed by logistics, appointments, and advocacy? How can couples make space for emotional connection again?
Communication is everything, but we often forget our partners aren’t mind readers. We need to clearly express our needs and create space for theirs as well. One simple strategy is to schedule intentional time together. That could mean weekly or fortnightly date nights, or even just 30 distraction-free minutes once a week to talk, hold hands or play a game. Phones off, connection on.
Be kind to yourself. Raising a child with SEND can be demanding, which makes it even more important to look after your own wellbeing.
Is it realistic or even necessary to aim for “balance” in a relationship when so much energy goes toward a child’s needs?
I think we need to redefine balance. It doesn’t have to be perfect every day. Instead, I see balance as something we achieve over time. One week might be work-heavy, another more focused on the kids, another on your relationship. That ebb and flow is balance. What matters most is being intentional, not perfect.
If you could whisper one truth in the ear of every couple raising a child with SEND, what would it be?
I wouldn’t whisper it — I’d shout it: Give yourself a break. Parenting a child with SEND requires more from you. That means you need to give yourself more compassion and care, not less.
In your work, have you encountered any small, yet meaningful practices that help couples stay emotionally connected, even on the most overwhelming days?
Yes — small, consistent gestures make a big impact. In addition to the TEASE strategy I mentioned earlier, I encourage couples to understand each other’s love languages. For example, if your partner values physical touch, offer a five-minute massage after work. If their love language is gifts, bring home something small but thoughtful. These acts don’t need to be grand, they just need to be intentional.
When exhaustion, worry, or resentment start to take hold, what helps couples find their way back to empathy and partnership?
It starts with remembering: you are a team. On the hardest days, show up for each other in small ways — step in when your partner is running on empty. And know that it’s okay to seek couples therapy. Taking care of your relationship is just as important as taking care of your child.
Can you share a moment, from your work or personal experience, that showed you just how resilient love can be?
I’ll answer that in two parts. First, when it comes to parenting: the hard moments don’t last forever. Celebrating small wins with your child can carry you through the tougher days. It’s often a thankless job in the moment, but it’s full of meaning.
As for romantic love, I talk in Love Hacks about the idea of “zooming out to zoom in.” When we’re stuck in a hard season, we sometimes forget the bigger picture. If you’re in a long-term relationship — 50, 60 years — of course, there will be ups and downs. If you could graph your relationship, it would resemble a heartbeat: jagged lines of highs and lows. But when you zoom out, the overall line smooths out and trends upward. So when things are tough, remind yourself: this moment is just one part of the story. Love is resilient if we give it room to grow.
Kelli Miller’s book, Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues, is available now from major retailers. For more relationship tips and inspiration, follow her on Instagram @kellimillertherapy.
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this interview are those of the individual or organisation featured and do not necessarily represent or reflect the position of SEND EDventures.
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